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What Evil Has Taken Robots.

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The 23rd year of our beloved event. "This is what fear tastes like"....zombies and roots, that aren't connected at all. Except for that dead root-alligator in La Llorona. That was our icon. Did you miss him? I almost did, but when I saw him, IT ALL MADE SENSE. Zombi--er, Walkers as far as the eye can see. And then once you look past them, MORE WALKERS. But, I digress. Maybe next year we can have something other than zombies...or just other zombified animals other than root-alligators. Zombie-Dingos. Zombie-Camels. You see? You see what I'm saying? Okay, I played this up far enough. "Hey, ROBUTTS", you ask, "What did you think of this year?" I reply, not with words, but with a nod and a thumbs up, BUT I DON'T APPRECIATE THE ROBUTTS, as witty as that might be.

Are you ready kids? AYE AYE, ROBOTS.

Okay, fine.

Spoilers, fun, and nonsense awaits you, my little caterpillars.

New paragraph.

Havoc: Dogs of Derailment Derailed

These dogs (of war) are sleepy. Like my pug, only with less snot.

Wow. What happened? A sequel apparently somebody asked for and we got a pretty elaborate set, albeit short, and the infamous STARE AND GLARE. What is this, Saws 'n Steam? AH, I'M JOKING. There was far less S&G here than Saws 'n Steam...AHHH. JOKES AGAIN. The original Havoc house brought the intensity ten-fold to what I saw here.

We got a DECENT queue video, granted, I'm just happy to see a queue video at this point in HHN. Lordy loo, I miss them. I couldn't really understand what was being said due to the Rocky Horror Stage Show timewarpin' it up, but I was just happy to see it. Entered into a pretty good facade: a wooden train (they just don't make 'em like they used to) and a pretty good setup of a first room. The "frankenstein monster" scare was pretty solid. And then....nothing. I got called "boy" a few times, I was able to look at some bright lights, and then we were outside with train cars, and then... oh wow, zombies. Wait, what just happened? Did I make a wrong turn at Albuquerque? Is this a Bugs Bunny skit? I went through again to make sure...nope. That's it. I will say, I did like the "broken jaw" dog (of war), as he looked badass. And the female at the end was pretty intense. I'm pretty sure she growled at me, which was pretty terrifying. Unfortunately, I need a little more than a bald-woman growling at me to change my mind. Unless, of course, I'm being attacked and/or mugged. In which case, please bald woman, take my money.

I don't know, man. I'm just not feeling it this time around. I get it, some people get creeped out by very ominous looking people looking VERY angry, and sometimes, just annoyed at the situation they're in "ahh, damn cage. If there was a way I couldI'LL JUST SLAM IT HARDER", unfortunately, I don't. At all; I just keep going. And I kept going until I couldn't go no-further. I was derailed, pops. I was derailed.

I was literally depressed when I left. I felt like somebody kicked my dog (of war) and I didn't know who to turn to, So, I cued up "Everybody Hurts" on the iphone and just sat and cried a little bit. I hurt, Michael Stipe, I hurt.

House Count - 4
House Rating - 0 Dogs out of 100 Wars

Afterlife: Deaths Vengeance

Death requires 3D glasses and some fluorescent paint.

Our 3D house! An original house! Carey, Ohio!? Sign me up!

No queue video. All about frown-town. Pretty solid facade, though. I was happy to see a few old props show up outside, specifically the shack from Horrorwood Die-In . I was kind of hoping for Harry to pop out. But no, it was closed and Harry is just a memory of HHN-past.

Put on my 3D glasses, threw up, and then decided to take them off. Then I said "nope, I have to do this" put those puppies (of war) back on and ENTERED. The first scene, that was pretty awesome. Glad to see our old friend, the chair, back in action. I LOVED that audio cue that the scareactor listened to before he flipped the switch with such...anger. He really wanted to fry that dude. Then from there, it was honestly pretty "meh". Some okay things and some not-so-okay things. LOTS of empty rooms, even a full hallway that was just black...with nothing in it. You couldn't even paint "hey, you're an idiot" on the walls in a very subtle way? It was just black (WHAT DO YOU MEAN "JUST BLACK").

I loved the room with the stabbed victims. The newspaper room was pretty trippy, as well, and I also loved the room with the---WAIT. Was that an IN-BETWEEN costume? ARE WE TRAVELING THROUGH TIME? Did we just play Warcraft 2**?! I'M BLINDED....oh, I hit a wall. I really did. Threw up. And we are! (moving on...)That guy that got stabbed through the chest and was laughing? Looked awesome! You know what didn't look awesome? Moving your body and COMPLETELY destroying that illusion. ILLUSION VENGEANCE.

That's basically it. Pretty okay, I guess. That stabbed victim room pretty much saved this house.

House Count - 3
House Rating - 3 blades out of 9 chests.

(**Read my review from 2011 titled "Do Robots Have Luck" to catch that reference)

Telemundo presents: Urban Legends: La Llorona

Urban Legends: Ah, yes....her...um.....yes.....

As a white male, I have no idea who this lady is. While watching videos last year and the year before, I thought to myself, "hey, that looks like a Mexican Bloody Mary." I was wrong, but I really enjoyed watching the video from Hollywood, and I was pretty pumped it was coming here because I'm too poor to go to California. And then Hollywood gets a house narrated by Danny Trejo...you win again, Hollywood. You win again.

The facade and tone of this house was AMAZING. It was definitely the most ominous house when first entering. That awesome explanation of her and the backstory was just...perfect. The actual house itself wasn't half bad. It felt very much like...the first 2/3rds of The Forsaken with a dash of Catacombs. Pretty good scares, pretty impressive set. That river scene? SO GOOD. Going underwater was pretty awesome, too. The ladies (AND some men) were a little too distant for my liking. The scares felt very far away and they really didn't impose too much of a threat. I often thought to myself "how do magnets work" and then remembered where I was and thought "if she was 97 feet closer, I would have gotten a scare there."

Costumes weren't really anything to write home about, even though I'm writing about it now. Pretty generic ghost-demon things happening in here, maybe a few different variations: This La Llorona has karate-chop action! This La Llorona with pull string activated voice box with REAL crying! Act now and you can receive the exclusive La Llorona play-set, a river with dead children floating in it! A $19.95 value FREE!..oh...uh....Yeah, all costumes were pretty much the same. Except...that dead-viney-alligator thing in the finale. Please, what was that? I'm convinced that was our icon: the zombie-viney-alligator. PROVE ME WRONG.

Kudos to those involved. It was nice to see this house in Orlando and not a clone from the mind of Murdy.

House Count - 3
House Rating - 1 Viney-Alligator out of 40 Sad Mexican Ladies.

Halloween Horror Nights: The Walking DeadThe Walking Dead: No Safe Haven

Can't drop the soap, walkers don't clean themselves. Or even take showers. Honestly, you're pretty safe from being raped here. That's the TRUE safe haven.

Year number 2 of the Walking Dead, and this time it's not a "best of" house. It has a story, and that story is...zombies. I mean, honestly, they were everywhere. You guys wanted more walkers, you got them. Now, you guys want more survivors?! HOLY GUACAMOLE, pick a side!

Fun fact: I don't like The Walking Dead. I think the show is not very exciting and I think the comic book is not very good. I just don't care for it. I don't hate it, it's just not for me. If there's one thing the comic/show IS about, and Robert Kirkman (the creator of the Walking Dead) also made note of, is that The Walking Dead isn't about the zombies; it's about the relationships/drama of the LIVING. This is why The Walking Dead is SO dialogue heavy, and why it just doesn't work as a haunt. ALL OF THAT BEING SAID, I REALLY enjoyed this house.

The facade/entrance was executed very well. I loved seeing some scares happening outside of the actual house. Set a pretty awesome tone of what we're about to see here. Walking (LOLOLOL) in, man, what an impressive set. The heads in tanks with lil' Governor saying hello, Woodbury, the prison, all super impressive. The scares were definitely there. Super aggressive, in your face, LOUD. I really enjoyed walking through the wind-y (not windy as in weather or the physical act of blowing) fence area while walkers were clawing at my face. The finale was just fantastic. The strobes really threw me for a loop and a walker managed to get a little jump out of me. Really, I'm just super-impressed with what I saw here.

That being said, why Walking Dead? This really could have been Deadtropolis: Hellgate Prison. I mean, I KNOW why, but I feel there could have been a few more liberties taken and things changed up. I don't know, this could have been something super original and maybe a little more....scary given it was something that could have been deviated from its source material.

With "that being said" being said, I say yes. This house was a VAST improvement over last year (except for that hospital scene last year *WINK WINK*) and I really have no complaints.


House Count - 2 (I wanted another run, but couldn't happen)
House Rating - 5 walker heads out of 7 tanks.

The Cabin in the Woods

1 cabin, 1 woods, 1 plot-twist, and a whole lot of blood.

I never thought I'd see this film come to life in form of a haunt. It was pretty pumped when I heard about it and was excited to see how they'd pull it off. I'm VERY happy with what I encountered in here, although, it did feel a little short. Or maybe it just left me with wanting more. MOAR.

A queue video! And a DAMN good one. Plenty of chuckles and it set up the house pretty well. Entered into the woods, the cabin (in the woods) was really well crafted and the scares were there. The Buckner's all did a really good job, but honestly, I was just WAY too pumped to go into the facility. And man, did it deliver.

Sugarplum fairy?! AMAZING. The cenobite-looking-dude? HECK YES. THE PURGE AREA, SO GORY; I was smiling ear-to-ear when I hit those elevators. Going into the control room...OH, COME ON! MERMAN. YESYESYES. I loved everything about this. I loved seeing "KEVIN" on the wall, although I wish we were able to see Kevin; It'd be funny just to see a dude standing there with a cup of coffee say "hello" to us as we were creeped out. The finale of the house was VERY abrupt. Like I said earlier, I just wanted MORE. I would have loved to have gone further into the facility and saw the sacrifice chamber, and then end up back into the woods to see the GIANT hand of the ancient, and then close the house with Nine Inch Nails. Just a little wish of mine.

No scares from here, but just pure amazement. You all did a fantastic job.

House Count - 3
House Rating - 57 Sugarplums out of 1 ancient god.

Resident Evil: Escape from BadgerRaccoon City

Better than all of the movies...better than Resident Evil 6. At least we didn't have any Quick Time Events. (YOU WON'T GET THAT REFERENCE UNLESS YOU PLAY VIDEOGAMES)

Our second videogame house! And it's on a classic series. I love that we're getting some love from Capcom on this one; totally based on the videogame series, specifically on 2 & 3? Yeah. Sign me up. Sign me up yesterday.

As soon as we entered, hearing that very low, very angry "RESIDENT EVIL", man, pigeonbumps (pigeons, right?) They literally pulled that first scene from the videogame. Then, into the butcher shop and we get--WAIT. THAT'S A PICTURE OF SAMUEL MEETZ. HOLY CANOLI. That seriously made my day. From there, the first couple of rooms are pretty forgettable, that is, until we hit those pups (of war). When you go through the house for a second time and you hit those dogs (of war), you KNOW it's about to get great.

Everything was kicked up 10-fold here. Seeing those lickers, AWESOME. Although, the one actually being controlled by a scareactor, he was looking a little rough. Like, "hey, that's a head on a stick" rough. I look past that, though, because the energy from the cast, and these sets are great. Like, really great. Look above! It's NEMESIS. He didn't say "STARS". Way to let me down, you giant mutant with a gatling gun. Way to let me down. Seeing the Hunter was awesome, and he got a spook out of me, but man, he looked ridiculous. It was so funny, but I loved every ounce of it. So cheesy, but amazing.

The house ends with RCPD, another Nemisis, and I'm dead. Seriously, I didn't make it. Sorry dudes. Review ends here. This whole thing was ghost written by my cat and there's no more notes.

Hi, I'm cat, and what he says is true, there's no more notes. Time to lick my crotch for 6 hours.

House Count - 3
House Rating - 4 STARS out of 1 STARS.

An American Werewolf in London

The TARDIS. I mean, that's all we need to know.

AND THIS IS MY HOUSE OF THE YEAR. Actually, this is TIED for house of the year. A HHN first for me. I'll get into why it was TIED and not the THE house of the year.

Wow. I can't say one bad thing about this house, except that I didn't get scared or spooked in this house. I was just blown away by literally everything in here. Those wolf puppets? Absolutely stunning and terrifying. They were HUGE (that's what sheI said)! If this were a FunSpot commercial, those puppets would be in it; IT'S HUGE! I guess you'll only get that joke if you live in Central Florida.

This house is PERFECT. Absolutely perfect. You get the story from the title, no explanation needed. You understand what's happening even if you didn't see the film. You know you're about to see some god damn werewolves. And man, we did. That transformation scene? Holy heck! That was so badass. Those Nazi Demons! Scary! Going into the subway system! I was on edge! A porno theater!? brb, give me 5 minutes.

Seriously. Start to finish, perfect execution. There is nothing wrong with this house. Everybody involved knocked it out of the Piccadilly Circus. Kudos and love all around.

But what was up with that police officer and his whistle? That was...the whimpiest whistle I have ever heard. Although, he made it up when I said "WHERE'S THE DOCTOR" and without skipping a beat, he said "DOCTOR WHO?!"

Cheeky bastard.

House Count - 7
House Rating - 12 Doctors out of 1 TARDIS.

Evil Dead

Tree rape? More like a perfect first date.

AND THIS IS MY HOUSE OF THE YEAR. Again, I'll explain after this! I know, you're just dying to hear.

My horror franchise. This is mine. This had to be perfect. I even loved the remake (or IS IT?!) I've been waiting for Evil Dead for years (granted, I wanted Ash) and holy necronomicon, it did not disappoint.

Hearing the tape recording and seeing the pages from the necronomicon, I was peeing myself like an evil spirit just invaded my body. Unfortunately, I just REALLY had to go to the bathroom. The house lead swung by, mopped it up, and I continued on my journey.


that....that's just awesome. I really wish the sign kind of "turned on" so it was brighter and that awesome/terrifying music played like it did in the film, but that's just a dream. I like that we immediately got into the business, we started off with that bearded guy who seriously would NOT die reading the passages and then seeing the evil projected onto the cabin walls...that's just ingenious. AND THEN MY FAVORITE LINE FROM THE FILM HAPPENED AND IT WAS SO GOOD.


oh SNAP. It just got REAL up in HERE. What next?! Tree rape! And then it just followed the film perfectly: vomiting evil, cutting faces, cutting arms, nails in the face, cutting tongue, dead cats, GOREGOREGORE. It was just...so beautiful. Seeing it all just made me so...happy.

Kudos to TWO ladies in the house: you were my only scares in this entire event (except for the Hunter in Resident Evil). Face cutting Mia who comes out of the curtain and the demon in the woods before the chainsaw scene. You both got me, and got me good. Thank you both so much for that. You guys were aggressive and deserve the recognition! Also, kudos to the "youareallgoingtodietonight" Mia. If I could marry you, I would. You set up this house perfectly. I would clap and say "thank you" every time because you sold it SO well and it just made me incredibly happy. thank you thank you thank you.

I am so happy with this house. I loved every second of it...even the worst looking fire effects on the planet.

House Count - 4
House Ratings - 11 Boomsticks out of 1 Cabin (Groovy)

Now, why do I have to House of the Years? It's simple...we kill the Batman. No wait, sorry.

It's simple...BECAUSE I SAID SO.

American Werewolf is HotY for it's quality for set pieces. Seriously, it's probably one of the best houses in the many, many years (way more than Agalloch) I have ever seen. It was clearly a labor of love, and the actors filled in their roles very well. It's just perfect.

Evil Dead is HotY because it was SCARY and beautiful. The house was well-crafted, crazy loud, energetic, and the cast was going gorillas all night long. Both those scares I got were near the 2am mark; that proves how dedicated this cast is and keeping the scares all night long. The house, while not perfect (damn near close, I'll tell you), made-up for it in those scares.

1. An American Werewolf in London: Time to get Werewolf'd
3. The Cabin in the Woods, starring YOU!
4. Resident Evil: Evil Just got Resident...ed....RESIDENTED.
5. AMC Presents The Walking Dead Presents Halloween Horror Nights [colon] The Walking Dead: No Safe Haven
6. Telemundo Presents: Urban Legends: Mexican LadyLa Llorona
7. Vengeance of Afterlife: Death
8. Havoc: Please NoDerailed

The Official Walking Dead Halloween Horror Nights Scarezone Street Experience Presented by AMC's The Walking Dead

This would have worked very well if it were, say, one scene from the Walking Dead, but on a MASSIVE scale. Maybe all of New York, or...all of Hollywood with just...Walkers everywhere. Get a couple of overturned cars, some very minor sets, and load it up with scareactors. Like...60-80 a cast.

The streets worked, they did. It just got..boring after you went through every zone. It was all the same. In years past when the lines would hit that 45+ mark, I used to sit with some friends, and enjoy the streets do their thing. Seeing different areas doing different things. Now, once you saw one zone, you kind of saw them all, right? I guess that's the issue, more of the same.

I like that they tried to do something new, something that's honestly a pretty neat idea. But the streets were too few, and too far apart. Shrek alley, Despicable Me/Shrek street (is it still call plaza of the stars?), Twister corner, and down between New York and Transformers; these all needed walkers. Even if it were only 10 people, fill in those gaps, make the whole park feel like it was overrun. It should have been one VERY large zone with a ton of walkers OR cover the entire park with smaller groups. I appreciate new things! Walker Truck thing?! Awesome idea, and honestly, worked out pretty awesome. Chainsawz, glad to see you're back. Opening park show? Yes, every year, please. Just fantastic execution on that opening show. Really set the tone, and I loved lining up with the folks outside, and seeing them all clap when our hero ate it. Really, just awesome. Survivors were a nice touch and added to the atmosphere. Again, this just needed to be EVERYWHERE, or do ONE GIANT ZONE, depicting the first 2 seasons as we lead into the house, which is Season 3.

I liked it, but I miss my old fashioned scarezones. Give me more of Troupe Macabre or Fractured Tales if you need to do simple scarezones. These zones had little sets, but were AMAZING.

The Walking Dead

Things I wish to see next year ( or just in general)?
-Bioshock House
-Arkham Asylum House
-Slenderman house (JUST WOODS)
-Leave it to Cleaver 2 (house or streets, don't care)
-An icon (bring back Jack if you need, say he escaped from The Facility, or BLOODY MARY)
-Sure, bring back Walking Dead, but limit it, and don't make it the focus.
-Simple merch. Please, no "Zombie Nation", this isn't a German electro band.
-You want to create something AWESOME? Halloween Horror Nights: Carey, Ohio. Imagine our event--the whole event--set in Carey, Ohio? Man, that would be SO awesome. See some awesome sequels, and you can dive into the lore they've been creating for YEARS. Was the Universal Palace Theater set in Carey? If so, boom, we can bring in our IP's, too.

And that's it ladies and germz. A pretty solid year. Had we had a variety of scarezones, man, this year could have been probably one of the best since 17 or 18. Still a solid year, though.


Edited by armyofrobots
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Don't necessarily agree on a few things (I found La Llorona to be terrifying for example) but Great Odin's Raven this is the best review on this website! Hilarious. I just about lost it a few times. Your cat also did a great job wrapping things up after you died. A+.

Edited by Coast

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thanks, man! By all means, Mexican Lady La Llorona was a good house. I just felt a few things prevented it from being great, and the distance of the actors was a factor in that. I also would have loved to of seen a few puppets from Hollywood. It being so far on my list isn't because it was bad, it's because those other houses were SO good.

I appreciate it though, I really only post my review here anymore, so I try to make it as in-depth as possible.

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