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armyofrobots

Robots invade HHN 22.

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22 years of fear. Wait a minute... that's not the slogan. There is no escape? There's no way out? Either way, I escaped and there was a way out: Through the exit gate. What to say about this year.... it was a year of experimentation to the limitations provided in the park. With the Superstar Parade to construction to the loss of buildings and queue area, this year was kind of a mess for developing an event of this magnitude. "BRING THE EVENT TO IOA" the people shouted... I was not one of those people. "DO BOTH PARKS" they cried.... nay-nay buttercup. I'm glad they kept it at USF and only USF. IOA just doesn't vibe on HHN for me... the settings there are too bright and colorful. Plus you have Seuss and WWoHP (pronounced WHOP. I'm not really sure what it stands for) which can't be themed. Then both parks is just WAY... WAY too much going on.... in dead space, not to be confused with Dead Space which is an excellent video game series and should be a house next year. Seriously, both parks... way too much in terms of dead area. Plus, you walk A LOT.

I really enjoyed this year. A lot, actually. I didn't LOVE it like I did 12 (which was IoA, I KNOW THAT) or 18, but I enjoyed the hell out of it. It was a nice 20-ish type of year. I guess I can't introduce this review much more. People moaned and groaned I didn't have a rating system, so I'm giving into the people. I will have a RATING SYSTEM of my reviews. Happy? You won't be.

Spoilers, fun, and nonsense wait you, my little puddin pops.

New paragraph

Universal's House of Horrors

Michael Jackson was wrong; It DOES matter if you're black and white. The song was "Black or White"? DAMNIT.

BLARING TRUMPET NOISES. And this is... MY HOUSE OF THE YEAR... year. year. year. Seriously. This house was INCREDIBLE. Scary, beautiful, not over-complicated with huge sets. Simple. FANTASTIC. Going into this house I said, "OH GREAT. This looks JUST like The Universal Palace Theater." BUT THE JOKES ON YOU BECAUSE YOU PROBABLY READ THAT IN A SARCASTIC TONE, BUT I WAS BEING SINCERE. I got PUMPED when I walked into this. The posters on the walls, the film reels on the ground, spider-webs. So many spider-webs. What happened? Did Peter Parker practice web-shooting in here. AND THEN PETER PARKER WAS THERE. No, he wasn't. I'm a liar. I think the first couple of rooms set-up what we were about to see in an awesome way. I also enjoy we didn't get scared right away, it let us get the vibe of what was happening. It was a great homage to Universal history.

I LOVED seeing the forest scene with the Wolf Man's. Wolfmen...z. Wulfmnz. There we go. They got a couple of spooks outta me. Kudos to them. My other favorite scene was the lab scene. I'm pretty sure that's my favorite scene in HHN history for me. And I've been going for a while. When the monster comes busting through... aw man. Goosenipples. (right? Nipples?) So EFFING scary. SO AWESOME. The ducking thing for The Mummy was kind of cool, despite nothing really happening. Oh noez, I'm getting shot with air, the horror. I think that would have been a KEY scene for the floor slider under there from Legendary Truth/The IN-Between, ammirite? That would have been awesome. Seeing a mummy shoot across the floor. man, goosenipples just thinking about it,

Other scenes were awesome, too. I give everybody credit in this house. You all did a phenomenal job from turning a pretty boring concept into something terrifying and amazing to look at. Everybody in the finale? Oh man, in your face every second. I'm so blown away by this house. I loved everything about it.

And hey... at least we didn't have dub-step.

House Count - 3

House Rating - 51 ducks out of 97 giraffes.

Alice Cooper: Welcome to My Nightmare

This is Alice's attempt in going into the real estate profession. Buy now, limited supply.

I did not want anything... ANYTHING to do with this house. It was bottom of my list. I contemplated NOT going through it. I've never thought about that before. And I even went through The Spawning. AHHH, I JEST. I JEST. The Spawning was... aweso--nope. Couldn't finish that one. AHHH, I'M JUST KIDDING AGAIN.

I'm glad I went through because it was pretty good! I didn't know what I was getting myself into on this one, but I was surprised. The opening scene was pretty legit with the actors in there. Going into the surgey scene I was greeted with a statue OH NO THAT WASN'T A STATUE. She was awesome... crazy-frog-eyed-nurse-lady. Then things just got weirder and slightly gorier. I think that's why I liked it so much... it was bloody. And gore was aplenty. There were some mis-steps here, though. I went through a few times where there were KEY characters missing ( and it definitely wasn't a cast change). Like... the Black Widow. Or the Stripper. I can forgive a couple of Steven's (Stephen's if we're in France) being missing, but if a scene REVOLVES around a character, it ruins it. Especially those two I mentioned. Hey Look! A POLE. AHHHHHHHHHHH. Oh noes, metal framing.

That being said, some actors were on there jamz. That top scare in the morgue? HOO-HA. I know that scare existed before (Catacombs, Winter's Night) but this guy perfected it. It was AWESOME. The surgery Alice was pretty good, too. Although he always had a heart or whatever organ it was and he'd be all like "RAAAH. AN ORGAN" and like shove it in my face. And then he'd play an organ and I'd be like "WHHHAAAA?! YOU PLAY THE ORGAN?!" And then he'd be like "YEAH! COME PLAY GOLF WITH ME. I LOVE GOLF." And I'd be like "ME TOO! IT'S A DATE." And then the Phantom would appear out of nowehere and be like "I PLAYED THE ORGAN FOR YOU AND YOU DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING." and then he pouted away.

Oooooh, going off topic. Also that never happened.

The finale was disappointing. That should have been the part where I RUN out. But no. He tips his hat, like a dapper man. I don't know. It just finished abruptly like this senten---

That's it.

House Count - 5

House Rating - Go to your fridge. If you have milk: 7 balloons out of 15 water faucets. If you don't have milk - 2 chickens out of 19 ice cubes (the rapper, not the frozen water)

Penn and Teller: New(kd) Las Vegas

URSCREWED

It's our comedy house! And it's usually my favorite house of the year. Not this time though. Not saying it's bad, though!

I'm going to start by saying this: this house was not scary in the LEAST. It's just a FUNNY house to me. I didn't not feel nervous. I did not feel scared. I did not feel any tension at all. I did get some yucks though, and for that, it's a pretty decent house. I LOVED the queue video. It was amazingly funny and was fun to watch before entering the house. I LOVED seeing our puking friend (his name eludes me at the moment) and I think it set a great tone for the house. I loved ALL of the buttons. They kept me interested, but I also felt distracted from the house while searching for the buttons, at least the first time. The scenes were pretty good. I liked the explanation of the houses, a little Bloodengutz-ish, and how they played up the scenes. My favorite scene was the lighting room and the light monsters in there. And if they weren't called Light Monsters before THEY SHALL NOW BE KNOWN AS LIGHT MONSTERS, HENCEFORTH. MONSTERS.... MADE OF LIGHTS. The 3D in that part really popped and was awesome. My other favorite scene was the romance room with the vibrating bed. It's a bed... that vibrates.

Pretty lackluster in terms of actual set pieces. Pretty generic. I think my biggest gripe is nothing felt like... it didn't feel like anything blew up. Yes, there were deformed people. Yes... there was an explanation TELLING me that it was blown up, but had I missed that queue video, I wouldn't have known this place was nuked... minus a few hints here and there. I wish there were some more not so subtle things. I don't know what, but something. And again, the finale was pretty so-so. Clowns. I guess I'm just jealous I didn't see Penn and Teller in there. Yeah.

The scaring was super spotty to me. And I don't think that's the actors fault, I just think it was either the lack of actors or just the way the house was designed. The jump scares were too far apart and the "hey, look at me" scares were just that. "Hey, look at me. I can't really do much, but here I am." Okay.

I'll also add, I enjoyed this house WAY more without the 3D.

House Count - 4

House Rating - 8 Penns out of 2 Tellers.

The Walking Dead: Dead Inside

Carl wasn't in here BECAUSE CARL NEVER STAYS INSIDE THE EFFING HOUSE

Our icon house? Most promoted house? The house that everybody is coming to see? The house house... you get my point. The most heaviy advertised, most talked about house. It was pretty good, despite the HUGE amount of hate this house receives. Holy cow! I've never seen so much negativety towards a house since The Spawning. SECOND REFERENCE FOR THE SPAWNING.

The house looked pretty awesome, I think. The hospital scene was pretty well crafted and I think that scene sets a pretty awesome tone for the house. I think the walkers are MOST aggresive in that spot. The department store was pretty neat, too. Except for those clothes. Have you seen those clothes? It looks like the closet for some business woman in 1988. Who would buy these clothes?! Thank goodness these owners were killed by walkers, they should be ashamed. I also really liked the Sheriff walker, HOLY SMOKES IS HE FAST. He got me a number of times. I loved the hanging walker on the rooftop. I loved the RV scene. BANG BANG.

All those things being said, I wish there was a LITTLE more to this house. I wish the walkers had more barriers so they could be a little more aggressive. The jump scares were great, but those in the open, unfortunately, didn't have much to work with. I know some people griped because actors had to reset, but guess what dudes? It's still a haunted house at HHN. Just because it's a Walking Dead house doesn't mean the system is going to change. No, they cannot touch you. No, they cannot follow you. Yes, people do exist behind you and they deserve to get scared, too. Resetting is going to happen. Tough nuggets if you don't like it.

All that aside, I think one of the most awesome things this house did was the gauntlet at the end of the house. Man. That was so cool. SO MANY WALKERS. It was just so surreal to see that many walkers attacking people exiting the house. I wish I could have gotten a photo of that because that's just awesome.

All of that, the house was great and you saw some aggression from a lot of the cast in a few scenes. The street was pretty awesome, too.

I'm happy with this house.

House Count - 6

House Rating - 6 brains out of 100 walkers.

Legendary Truth Dead End

Remember that one time we had an actual haunted house? Well, we got another one.

This is the house everybody loves and it's good... but I wouldn't say it's memorable. In fact, I don't remember much. I remember the flying books, that was awesome. I remember the LOUDEST BED IN EXISTENCE. I remember that AWESOME pepper's ghost effect. And.... that's about it. I never saw Bush Man, like people have said was awesome. I didn't catch a lot of things, not because I think I had bad timing, but just because the scaring wasn't happening for whatever reasons. A few stare and glares. A few people popping out. It was a mixed bag of scaring.

However, this house was LOUD. Holy crap. Effects and screaming and moaning and that effing bed. This house was loud. I remember being stuck in the bed room for like... 2 minutes because of a queue back up; I immediately regretted going into this house after this. OY VEY. SO LOUD. SO OFTEN. SO LOUD. I was bleeding from my ears after I left. I got pulled aside from OPD and they asked what happened. "The bed....the BED" I said in a whimpering tone. They nodded. They nodded in such a masochistic way. They knew.

I'm not really sure what happened here. It's in the Carey, Ohio family (REPRESENT) and it's not a haunted house, but because something of lore, it became haunted because everybody thought it was? Look, if it's THAT easy, I'm thinking of a house that's full of candy and kittens and Natalie Portman is there and she's ready. READY. AND NOBODY IS ALLOWED IN EXCEPT FOR ME. Make it so, Universe.

Again. It was good. But I don't know what everybody saw. It was definitely a BEAUTIFUL house. And the costume were pretty alright. But meh. I'd rather have my candy/kittens/Portman house. Next.

House Count - 2

House Rating - 4 LOUD BEDS out of 6 regular beds. (with Natalie Portman)

Gothic

These guys were stoned. Get it...? Gargoyles? Eh... tough room. Tough room.

The most beautiful house this year. Hands down. I remember seeing that rafters scene for the first time and being blown away. So awesome. Some really good scares, too! Shout out the the bell ringers. You guys killed it. Shout out to the Gargoyle in the ceiling. Shout out to the bungee gargoyle. Stilt gargoyle, too. You guys were all awesome. Continually awesome.

I wished a little more variety from the gargoyles, but that's a minimal gripe. A silly one, really. I honestly don't have much more to say. I really enjoyed this house.

It's weird when a house is good and you don't have anything bad to say about it, but you really can't boast about it. All you can say is 'I liked it' and people go "why?" and you go "I don't know, I just did." JUST ACCEPT MY ANSWER.

House Count - 4

House Rating - 150 pieces of stained glass out of 6 large bells.

Welcome to Silent Hill

We didn't go to OtherWorld... we just went to Miami.

You have no idea, NO IDEA, how long I've wanted a Silent Hill house. I really enjoyed the movie, I know I'm a minority here, and I'm a big fan of the games. I've asked for years and I feel like somebody finally listened. While I'm happy with what I saw, I think it captured the essence of Silent Hill, something was missing. The part missing was the CREEPINESS.

Silent Hill isn't scary, the games aren't scary, the film wasn't scary; the series REVOLVES around creepiness. The feeling of dread, not wanting to go any further, and unfortunately the house didn't capture that, and it's NOT the actors fault, I think they all did fantastic. The Barbed Wire dude... man, when I saw that I was blown away. Pyramid Head, him running towards me sent a shiver down my spine. How did he move so fast?! The fillers were all good as well, although I wish I had a flock (YES, A FLOCK) of nurses shambling towards the victims. The sets were pretty impressive, but it seemed to follow more of the film(s) rather than the games, with the exception of the Bogeyman.

Like I said before, the creepiness just wasn't there. I think the house was too bright and that kind of killed it for me. While hearing that siren into the transformation in OtherWorld, and man did I love hearing that, I wish we SAW the transformation. When you went to OtherWorld, there was a DISTINCT difference: everything was dilapidated, old, rusty and bloody. Nothing changed. It was basically the same. It just disappointed me.

I guess my hopes were just a little too high for this one. While getting some good spooks and jumps in here, I just wanted a little more from the environment.

House Count - 3

House Rating - 1 radio out of 0 bullets. THERE'S NEVER ANY BULLETS.

And that's basically my review. I hope you all enjoyed it as much as I enjoyed writing it. I'll say it again, I really enjoyed this year. I'll throw my house listing from favorite to least and the streets as well, just for good measure.

HOUSES

1. Universal's House of Horrors

2. Gothic

3. The Walking Dead: Dead Inside (including street)

4. Alice Cooper: Welcome to My Nightmare

5. Penn & Teller: New(kd) Las Vegas

6. Welcome to Silent Hill

7. Dead End

STREETS

1. The Iniquitus

2. Dark Legions: TRADITIONALS

3. Dark Legions: VAMPIRES

4. New Zombies

5. Dark Legions: PRISONERS

6. Dark Legions: BEASTS

7. Dark Legions: WARRIORS

8. Dudes and Ladies in Mardi Gras/Macy's costumes.

Edited by armyofrobots
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1. WHOP - Worldwide House of Pancakes.

2. Chuck.

3. Carl was only in the house when I went through.

4. The Gauntlet can kick Chuck Norris' butt.

5. Excellent variation on the Picard Maneuver. And I get Natalie Portman confused with Keira Knightley.

REALLY great read, Army, thanks so much!!

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Hahahahaha :lol: my favorite review!

your expectations were NOT too high for Silent Hill... they could have done a much better house, They have done better houses than Silent Hill in the past, they have what it takes to make a good house, specially because some of the things were not even hard to do, like recreating the Dead Exposure zombie mannequins room. That would have been very easy to do since they already did it.... the same goes for everything looking dead and rusted after the siren, they did saws and Steam, just like that house had a screen with a pic of people holding hands, I expected to see screens like that all over the place here, something they already did before, I swear I thought they would reuse at least some of the stuff from there too.

So I tell you, no, we were all expecting the amazing type of house that HHN sometimes gives us, some of the stuff everyone wanted is not even unreasonable since they have done it in the past already. we just got average.

Edited by Mr. Black

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Thanks for a great review - I am so glad you created your rating system. Curiouser and curiouser . . .

Thanks for a great year, although I didn't see you much in your location. Whatever you choose to do next year, be sure to keep your passion for scaring, whether it be in person or through leadership.

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Welcome to Silent Hill

We didn't go to OtherWorld... we just went to Miami.

Awesome review... That made my day. But you are right not creepy at all. All the elements were there but the dread and creepiness just wasn't.

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