HHN 25. Congratulations, Horror Nights! You now have the opportunity for cheaper car insurance. It's all down hill from here. The next thing you have to look forward to is your receding hairline, and remembering "the good ol' days." FORTUNATELY. I will remember 25 as the good ol' days, because HHN 25...OOOOHHHH...you were good. Man. What a fantastic year. It really felt like a 17, or 19 for me. Those were my golden years; 17-20. WOOF. You didn't get any better than that. The themeing. The houses. The twisted taters (you always have to say taters in a Gollum voice...well, I do...). Those were the YEARS. And honesly, 25 felt like one of those YEARS. It was fantastic. Except for that damn firework in the beginning. It's the return of the DUD. HAHA. You guys. That firework. IT'S BACK. That had more of an impact on me than JACK. It's like last year's fireworks lame cousin who drives a truck and loves ICP. You're lame, firework. Go back to the other fireworks and feel bad. Okay. Okay. Let's get to it. LAAAAAAADIES and Gentlemen, in this corner, from the binary planet of one-zero-one-one-zero, weighing in at 250 tons, the robot that just cannot stop...ARMYOFROBUTTS!! HEY! EVERY YEAR. EVERY YEAR YOU SHOW UP. AND YOU DO THIS. IT HURTS. It hurts every year. You can't say that about people. LET'S GO. FORGET IT YOU JERK, YOU DO THIS EVERY YEAR. THE REVIEW. Spoilers, fun, and nonsense awaits you, my little Greedos. New paragraph. Jack Presents: 25 Years of Monsters and Mayhem Sweet mother of ZEUS. Who titled this house? Might as well start this off right. AND WE HAVE OUR HOUSE OF THE YEAR. Seriously. There's no contender. This is the best of the best. From design, to length (*wink*), scareactors, content...this house is EVERYTHING. This house could come back every year and I woudln't be mad...I'm looking at you WEREWOLF. LOOKING. AT. YOU. The facade is fantastic and is so ominous. Seeing more of those portraits, and they are awesome, was really cool. CINDY! She has a portrait. But poor B-Mare. She has nothing. She was even taken off the shirt. Poor, poor B-Mare. You were the best, and now you're loam. Going into the house, you don't know really what to expect. Was it going to be like the "best of house" in 20? Well, kinda? But WAY more original content, which is great. And no Dead Exposure...which is even better. Just KIDDING. No I'm not. I loved the scene transitions with the Jacks, and they certainly did some great spoops, too. Right away, I knew this was THE house. The bear puppet? Fantastic. And then seeing poppa bear..it brought a grizzly sized tear to my eye. I LOVED it. Going into The Forsaken, with the best scene. GREAT. And they got rid of those glowing eyes, which is a plus, honestly. Because they can actually HIDE and SCARE. Kudos to whoever thought of that gem. And then stuff just gets better from there. My favorite part of the house was with the classic monsters. I like seeing the Monster, AND EBENIZER WULFMN. Me and him go WAY back. I hope you're still studying law, friendo. How's the family, Sam and Barbara? I hope they're great. Miss you buddy....ahem. Seeing the Bride was great. Really great stu---*HUMMMMMMMMM* OH MY LORDY LOU, PHANTOM JUST SCARED THE PANTS OFF OF ME. Literally. They ran off without me. Now I'm just walking around looking for my pants...no, I'm not trying to pick you up, vampire ladies of the night. My pants ran away. Oh, haHA. Yeah, it IS a little cold in here. grumble grumble. Okay. Found my pants. You know what was really supremely great about this house? I LOVED seeing the tank at the bottom of the cathederal during the Gothic scene. When you peeped over? That was AWESOME. I saw that and said..."TANKS. TANKS A LOT, HHN." And then, of couse that signaled that my little ladies are back. I missed you...EWWWW. SO BALD. So bald you tiny creepy nurses. <3 <3. Please come back in form of a street next year. I jumped for joy when I saw those little bald, Baraka looking ladies. They makes me so happy, but instantly creep me out when I focus on them. UGH. GROSS. And then, you keep winding through and there's just so many more surprises I won't get into. The finale was great. Just great. GREAT. GRATE. GR8. What a great house. Exiting through all of those black curtains, I knew this was it. Going outside, seeing the soundstag--*VROOOOM*. EDDIE. WHAT THE EFF. Where did you--*VROOOOM*. Oh. Your. God. MEATY MEETZ. HE'S BACK. HE'S BACK. HE'S BACK. HE'S BACK. HE'S BACK. HE'S BACK. HE'S BACK. excuse me...I have *sniff*...I have dust in my eye. House Count: 5 House Rating: 1 Meaty Meetz out of 1 My Life is Whole Again. The "Z" stands for "I miss you" An American Werewolf in London I must've jumped in that TARDIS, because I SWEAR I've seen this before. Honestly, if you want my thoughts on this house, read my review from 2013. It still stands, but it's not my House of the Year. Everything is still great. After experiencing it 2 years ago in Orlando, and last year in Hollywood, it did lose some shine..but it's still great and you can tell it's a labor of love. House Count: 4 House Rating: 1 We Need to Talk out of 3 It's Not Me, It's You. Freddy vs. Jason Dawn of Slashers and the First Time I saw Boobs on Film. Thanks, 80's. This was a VERY close contender for House of the Year. Really. It's fantastic. I may be a liiiitttlllle biased because Freddy was my first role in 2007, but none the less, it's a FANTASTIC house. It really felt like 2007 all over again, not just for Freddy, but also going back to Camp Crystal Lake...also, RIP Jaws queue. Just kidding, BYE JAWS. Also, second year of a versus house. Glad to see we got more "versus" this time around, but I hope this isn't a trend. Next year "Sharkando versus Sharktopus"...actually, that sounds badass. DIBS. MY IDEA. DIBS. Going in, you knew two things..Freddy, Jason. How those were going to play out, I really had no idea. I kind of had an idea...that film from 2003 or whatever. But apparently it's nothing like that, so I was intrigued. I do know this...QUEUE VIDEO, PLEASE. Man, what an opportunity for a queue video. AND IT'S GONE. POOF.../sigh....Jumping into the soundstage, you're instantly taken to Camp Crystal lake, and Jason has already started his Purge. RELEASE THE BEAST. DIBS. MY IDEA. JASON vs. The PURGE. Take that, horny teenagers...and your sex. That'll teach you. Really classic scares, and really effective. Jason was at every freaking turn. And he was PISSED. It was awesome. Winding through the cabin, and camp...And then...well...magic happened. 1...2....Freddy's coming for you... You're on Elm Street. You're in the dream. And it just becomes legendary at this point. Seeing the classic kills from the films, translated into real life was great. It was DIFFERENT than 2007, and I'm SO happy, because I just expected it to be the same. But you're seieng all new stuff. Going through the boiler room, seeing all of that iconic scenery. And then, if I may take a quote from Ken Wantanabe..."Let them fight" and they DID. You actually saw them brawling. It was GREAT. Some of the gags were LEGIT, too. Freddy stabbing Jason and stuff, and vice versa? So cool. Winding through the coor--did...what was that? Was that a roid-raged Freddy? Hold on... ... hahahaha. It was. Freddy, you been working out man. Looking..you're looking good, man. I laughed so hard I ran into the sweaty back of the guy in front of me. Gross. Now I have beer flavored sweat all over me. Ugh..this is the worst. Thanks. Thanks a lot roid-raged, Freddy. This IS a nightmare. Nightmare in Soundstage 24. Going underwater, seeing Freddy in a Camp Crystal Lake shift, all gold. The finale was great. Man, what a great freaking house. I, for one, will take a Freddy and Jason house every year. House Count: 5 House Rating: 1 Roid Raged Freddy out of 72 High School Students. (they'll never have a chance) Body Collectors: Recollections One thing is for sure, those Collectors aim for the throat. Hello, old friend. Great to see another Body Collectors house. It has a great history within HHN, and honestly, it has a lot to live up to. Unfortunately, for me, this house was kind of a little boring for me? Definitely wasn't bad, but it lacked some CHUTZPAH. Yeah, yeah, you're yelling at your computer screen. Just...listen. Or read. Read and listen..RESTEN. Facade? Check? Ominous setting? Check. Person in the fire place? Check. The setup was great. Great mood going into the house and it really sets itself up. *SHNIK* Man, how can you not cheer at the slit throat? Great setup, moving along...where..how..I'm lost. CURSES. WHY DID I ENTER A SOUNDSTAGE DURING THE DAY? I CAN'T SEE SQUAT. Table. Table in my way. Desk, chairs. I just whammied my knee on this table, guests are so angry. WHERE. WHERE DO I GO. *SHNIK* "YOU'RE GOING THE WRONG WAY". HEY HEY HEY. Listen, lady! You're dead! I can see that. Oh...the door to my left? That very obvious door that I completely missed because my eyes hadn't adjusted yet? Yeah..thanks. /tail between legs. Ew, gross. I'm not a furry. No, I won't give you a hug. Get away from me, guy dressed as Star Fox. NO, I won't be your Slippy. LEAVE. Geez. How did that guy get in here? But yeah, I seriously got lost in this house. It was awful. Moving along...! Nice wintery set up, and people in the snow? Am I going through the Shining? I'm not sure what's happening here, but it looks nice, so I accept it. And from here...? Catacombs and jail cells. Not really doing much for me in terms of scares, but it looks pretty, I guess. Some guy growling like a dog, walking around like Gollum (HUZZAH. Second Gollum reference!) and some basic scares. As always, the Spine Girl scene is great, although nothing too new, and the scene where the Collectors making the bodies? That was pretty great. And some really epic music, too. And then we go back through some catacombs and cells, and a guy gnashing his teeth at the end. That guy makes me laugh. He was great. Good job, dude. You made me sincerely laugh because you just hammed up the scene so well...but then it ends. I guess it just falls a little flat for me. Not terrible, but really middle of the road for me. As always, great to see the Collectors, but this time, they're a little more forgetable. House Count: 4 House Rating: 4 Chairs in My Way (WHERE DO I GO?) out of 1 Man Gnashing his Teeth. RUN: BLOOD, SWEAT, AND FEARS One Country to Rule Them All (note: It's Germany) Okay. This house was middle of the road, but I had probably some of the best interactions in this house. And that puts it in my Top 3. Crazy, right? This house was AWESOME because the actors are having FUN. Funactors? Maybe? But, let me tell you, I haven't laughed this hard in a house in a LONG time. First off, queue video is FANTASTIC. Second off, GREAT facade. Third off...uh...look at all of those ropes? Entering the house is pretty great. Really good set up, very Hunger Game-ish (OH GHAD, I made a Hunger Games reference), like you're being forced into the game. That count down really got me pumped. And the Police? Policia? Armed Forces? Master Chiefs? Did a great job moving you along into the game. Going into the steam zone thing was cool, and I met Jaden Smith from After Earth. He gave me a piece of his face; good jorb, Jaden. AND THEN YA GET THE STEAM. And you're on your way. Loved the mirror gag with the Samurai guy, you're just waiting for, OH SWEET JESUS. Little fan lady came out of nowhere. Where'd you come from, Kitana? Good spoop. And you pass her and KAPOWI, Samurai guy is right there. My buddy and I had a good chuckle when he got spooked by him and he yelled out, ME SO SORRY. In which Samurai Guy comes back and has a great chuckle. I laugh, my friend laughs, Samurai laughs, Samurai kills friend; it was a great time. Moving along, getting SO pumped after that. Loved going through Canada and singing O CANADA with those crazy Canadians. It was a blast. And then singing Carmena Burana with those gladiators. Just so much fun. And then...then here they are. DAS BLITZKRIEG BROTHERS. We started a chant "DEUTSCHLAND! DEUTSCHLAND!" And the brothers kick in "DEUTSCHLAND!DEUTSCHLAND!" We're all shouting, chanting! The whole room is going nuts. SO. MUCH. FUN. Really. This house is great. Kudos to every funactor involved. You made a pretty boring house so much fun. I went through 5 times in one night because you guys were killing it. DEUTSCHLAND! House Count: 9 House Rating: 3 BLITZKRIEG BROTHERS out of 2 Canadians, eh? Insidious HE'S GOT YER BABY. HE'S GOT YER BABY. I wish I could say I've seen the first Insidious, but I have not. I saw the second film, and that was a mistake. But hey- we learn. And I learned by not seeing the third OR the first. Because, man. I did not enjoy the second one, and it wasn't because I was lost...I was not. The house was...okay? I guess. People were saying this was the most intense house of the run, but it just kind of falls flat. The facade was great, a nice colonial type of house, in which we enter through the side, and then we encounter Darth Maul, scary ladies in wedding dresses, and sheets that stand up *insert boner joke here.* I did not understand what was happening here, and probably shame on me for that, so I really can't discredit what was happening. There were some okay scares, though. And the sets were really great. Darth Maul was particuarly scary, and there were some great moments with him. I liked seeing the return of the claustrophobic hallway..I guess that was us going into the Dark World? What's it called? I don't remember. So, I'll just got it Dark World. Dark World was pretty effective, and kind of tonally different. The "funeral" scene was really great, too. The house was also decently long (that's what she said) and people all over were getting spooked. It was like I was not a part of the spook, but I did like seeing the other get scared, so it was worth the wait. Again, I probably should have seen the film, and I probably would have liked this house a little more, just because I can understand the story of it. But, here we are. It just falls middle of the road for me. It also doesn't help that this house was always insanely busy. House Count: 1 House Rating: 3 Boner Jokes out for 2 Sith Lords (No More and No Less) The Purge Let us SCREAM from the rooftops, RELEASE THE BEAST I'm basing this soley on what we had, not what could have been. Honestly, I'm a big fan of The Purge films, and I have no idea why. I mean, really, they're okay. But I find the idea so much fun, and it's really probably just the IDEA of the Purge of what tickles my Beast Bone *insert second boner joke here.* Either way, I find this house REALLY enjoyable, and it's for ONE reason...well...15-20 reasons. THE PURGERS. Man, you guys kept this house alive. The sets were pretty mediocre, and that's nobody's fault, but The Purgers were awesome. There were some pretty awesome things going on here. Firstly, having the nicely dressed Purger out front talking to folks really set the mood, and then...BWURRRR....BWURRRR. God, I love that siren. Seeing the screens with the rest of the Purgers happening around the country, that was pretty fantastic. And then going through the house was great. Aw, man. Jiffy Pop! I haven't seen Jiffy Pop since it was in this movie about a guy running around in a mask murdering teenagers. I can't remember what it was called.... anyway. Lots of guns blowing people away in this. I will say I wish I saw more unique kills, but you know..that's a minor gripe. Going through the garage and...oh, somebody got lost. Let me help you little, tiny girl. It's okay. Come with us, we'll meet your family outside. How did yo--OH NO. SHE'S DEAD. A PURGER TOOK HER AND MURDERED HER. that. was awesome. I love seeing that stuff. It really ties it all together, like this one rug I had in this room. I wish there were more gags like that. And we finish it out with STROBES STROBES STROBES STROBES STROBES. Lady murder on bed. STROBES STROBES STROBES. Sweet Jesus who steals hubcaps from cars, I'm flopping like fish out of this house. Somebody put a plank in my mouth so I don't swallow my tongue. As I seizured out of the house, I reflected back on what happened, and really, I give kudos. They really turned around a crappy situation and not only turned it into something that worked, but something that worked effectively. Job great, work good. House Count: 5 House Rating: 45 Gun Shots to the Face out of 0 Sidney Prescotts. The Walking Dead: The Living and the Dead something something Walking Dead something something WOOF. Here we are. The RETURN OF. I don't watch the Walking Dead, nor do I watch FEAR the Walking Dead...but I DO watch The Walken Dead *insert Disaster joke here*. I have no clue what is happening here. We have Walkers, and we have people, living in harmony. And then we have sleepy time for me. I just kind of wander through this house, just trying to wrap my head around everything. The sets are very impressive, as they usually are with these DEAD houses. But, everything else falls flat for me, unfortunately. Really, I don't have much else to say. I think it just falls under fatigue for me. Oh well. Maybe next year. House Count: 2 House Rating: 7 Zoombies, Coral out of 1 Coon Tombstone (that's racist) Asylum in Wonderland 3D Wait...I have to go ALL THE WAY AROUND TO GET HERE? Hey! This is pretty neat! Using the Shrek building for a house? That's pretty cool they were able to pull it off. That's really impressive. The Shrek building and all. I mean, to build a house in one of the theaters was really cool...can't talk more enough about buidling a house in there...because..well...womp womp. Alice isn't looking too fine. I think the idea was taking Alice from 2008, from that awesome Street, and then basing a house around it, but man, it doesn't really translate. I will say, best use of the vortex, and I really liked the sets, they were all pretty good. I did not like the costumes too much, and the scares didn't play into the scenery very well. The 3D was some of the better uses, but what was that one house a couple years ago...what was it called? The one about the serial killer. Let me check my old review: oh yeaaah. Afterlife. That was it. Definitely some things from Afterlife here. This house wasn't as good as Afterlife. And that says it all. House Count: 3 House Rating: 2 Checkered Unitards out of 1 Underage Alice HOUSE RANKZ: 1. Jack Presents: DON'T TALK ABOUT BLOODY MARY. 2. Pepperoni Face versus The Goalie from The Mighty Ducks 3. JOG: TEARS FOR FEARS. 4. The Purge: Totally Not Scream 5. Tax Collectors: What the IRS Thinks of You 6. Star Wars: Episode 1 - The Phantom Menace 7. The Return of the Werewolf Bar Mitzvah 8. Alice in WonderDuloc 9. The Snoring Dead STREET RANKS: 1. All Nite Die-In: GRAYSCALE EDITION 2. What Evil has Taken Root? 3. Saws n' Clowns: Into the Circus 4. Psychoscareapy: Get it? It's like THERAPY, but it's SCARY 5. HHN Icons: DON'T TALK ABOUT BLOODY MARY. 6. Chainsaw Drill Team: TIME TO GET DRILLED *insert boner joke here* 7. All Nite Die-In: NOW IN TECHNICOLOR 8. Kids Like the Steam and the Punks Still, RIGHT?